In an ever-evolving world where marriage can seem complex, it is important to return to foundational Islamic teachings to navigate this important decision. As narrated by Abu Hurairah in Sahih al-Bukhari, the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said:
“A woman is married for four things: her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her religion. So, you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser.”
While the hadith refers specifically to women, this advice applies equally to men. In fact, religion should be at the forefront of considerations for both partners. Below are six critical factors to help guide you in choosing a spouse who will lead to a prosperous, harmonious marriage.
1. Islam: The Foundation of a Lasting Marriage
The most crucial aspect of selecting a spouse is ensuring they are rooted in the principles of Islam. A strong connection to the deen, displayed by commitment to the obligatory acts of worship such as salah, fasting, charity, and reading the Qur’an, forms a solid base for any marriage. Both men and women should be assessed on their devotion to Islam, as the true strength of the marriage will emerge in difficult times, where faith is the lifeline.
But religious adherence is more than just actions; it encompasses character. Qualities such as courage, modesty, patience, and honor are markers of a person’s internal character. Importantly, someone who demonstrates taqwa (God-consciousness) will navigate life’s challenges with you based on Islamic principles. This, in turn, provides a roadmap for conflict resolution using the Qur'an and Hadith as guidance.
While appearance matters to some extent (such as hijab for women and beards for men), remember that beauty and style fade. The strength of a marriage lies in faith and character—qualities that endure long after external attributes are no longer the focus.
2. Forget ‘Falling in Love’—Grow in Love
While modern society promotes the idea of falling in love, this is often rooted in fleeting physical attraction. In contrast, Islam encourages us to grow in love by building a marriage based on mutual respect, dignity, and honor. Over time, these values deepen, creating a lasting bond. Growing in love means that every glance at your spouse reminds you of their virtues, not just their appearance. This kind of love matures as you face life’s challenges together and share private moments of understanding, trust, and joy.
A spouse who prays for your well-being, stands by your side through difficulties, and shows consistent kindness is far more valuable than someone whose attraction fades after the honeymoon phase.
3. Manners Matter: Watch Their Behavior
Good manners are a mirror of good faith. Pay attention to how your prospective spouse treats those around them, particularly people they are not obliged to impress: parents, siblings, service workers, and the less fortunate. A person’s behavior towards others, especially those in vulnerable positions, is a strong indicator of how they will treat you in marriage. Look for kindness, compassion, and humility, as these qualities are crucial for maintaining harmony in marriage.
Also, note how they handle disagreements. Are they respectful, patient, and fair? Do they display akhlaaq (good manners) in both easy and challenging situations? Good manners are often a reflection of deep Islamic values, but don’t assume that religious commitment automatically translates to perfect behavior. Investigate closely, as these are the manners that will govern your day-to-day life.
4. Meaningful Conversation: Can You Connect?
After the initial excitement of marriage, the bedrock of the relationship will be conversation. Your spouse should be someone you can speak to, share ideas with, and respect. Shallow conversation might be fine for brief encounters, but in marriage, the ability to engage in deep, meaningful dialogue is critical.
Ask yourself: Do they talk about productive topics, or are they obsessed with trivial things? Do they focus on finding solutions to problems or spend most of their time complaining? A shared intellectual and emotional connection fosters a bond that will only grow stronger with time. Conversation fuels respect, curiosity, and mutual understanding—without which a marriage cannot thrive.
5. Shared Life Goals: The Key to Long-Term Success
One of the most common mistakes in marriage is overlooking the importance of shared life goals. You and your spouse will walk together through the next 20 to 30 years of life, so having aligned priorities is essential. Whether it's raising children, pursuing careers, or focusing on personal development, a couple must work together towards common goals.
Shared ambitions also offer support in difficult times. Your spouse should inspire and encourage you in your pursuits, and vice versa. A strong, purpose-driven marriage is the key to long-term happiness and fulfillment. In contrast, a marriage where one partner undermines the other’s goals can lead to frustration, resentment, and eventually, estrangement.
6. Family Matters: Do They Fit with Yours?
While you marry an individual, you also marry into their family, particularly in cultures where extended family plays a significant role in daily life. It’s crucial to assess their family’s aqeedah, religious practice, and lifestyle. Can you live in harmony with them?
If their family’s beliefs and practices diverge too significantly from your own, it can create challenges in maintaining Islamic values within the home. For example, a family that disregards purdah (segregation) or is negligent in salah can create friction in how you raise children or conduct your daily life. Harmony in marriage is not just about compatibility between spouses but between families as well.
If you're marrying into a joint family system, be prepared for a greater level of adjustment. While joint families can offer support, they also come with more opinions and expectations. Navigating these relationships requires patience, wisdom, and a willingness to adapt.
Final Thoughts: Marriage Is Serious—So Are You Ready?
Before committing to marriage, ask yourself if you meet these criteria as well. Do you have the qualities necessary to be a good spouse? Are you serious about the responsibilities of marriage? Marriage is not just a romantic adventure—it is a partnership that requires hard work, patience, and a deep connection to faith. Only by taking it seriously can you hope to build a marriage that brings tranquility in this life and success in the Hereafter.
Choosing a spouse is one of the most significant decisions you will make in life. Approach it with care, wisdom, and Islamic principles at heart. After all, this person will be your companion not just in this world but, insha’Allah, in Jannah as well.